#1 - Zoo Boy

#1 of Aimgrrl's Top Three Worst Online Dates Ever will forever be known as Zoo Boy.

We had chatted for quite awhile online... he seemed nice, a good sense of humor, and an intriguing profile. He lived in California, so it was a few weeks before we would meet in person. One late summer weekend, he drove out to Utah. Luckily he had friends in town, so it was not my job to keep him entertained the whole time. I did agree to have dinner with him one night, and then go out on an activity the next... least I could do, right? ;)

Dinner was interesting... I won't even mention how he was 45 minutes late because he had stopped in the desert to sleep in his car during his drive. Or how he parked nearly a mile from the restaurant and was spotted walking down State Street in North Orem, reading a newspaper, on his way to the restaurant (odd behavior and an odd place for a pedestrian). Dinner conversation was a little awkward (he was a little awkward), but I was committed to keeping an open mind, and I agreed to go to the zoo with him the next day.

So, I met him in Lehi in a grocery store parking lot to drop my car and drive with him to Hogle Zoo. Oddly enough, he was in a suit and tie. For some reason, rather than run into the grocery store or a nearby fast food restaurant to change his clothes (in a private bathroom stall), he waited until we arrived in the parking lot of the zoo. As he stripped down to his special skivvies outside of the car, with families passing nearby, I stood uncomfortably a safe 30-yard distance away, with my back to him of course. Don't worry... the date gets better!

The zoo is always a fun place to visit, especially if you're there with someone who knows ALL the sounds the animals make. It'd be one thing if he was goofing off, but no, he was completely serious and intent on communicating with all of God's creatures... very, very loudly. I usually don't embarrass easily, but I'm sure my face was a lovely shade of red for most of the day.

As we walked through the animals on display, Zoo Boy provided a bottle for each of us of flavored carbonated water. Did I mention how hot it was that day? Naturally I was completely miserable (me and the heat, don't get along all that well, but I was trying to be polite and a good sport). Towards the end of our zoo journey, my drink had gone completely flat and warm. With maybe less than an ounce left (probably of my own sweaty backwash), I tossed it into a nearby trashcan. He casually asks me if I'm done with my drink, and I confirm that yes, that's why I threw it out. He goes over to the trash can, fishes it out, and proceeds to finish it off for me, making a comment about how he doesn't like to be so wasteful. He goes on and on about how he eats all of his leftovers, even if they've gone moldy. (Yes, the warning bells had been sounding in my head long before this, but what do I do, except try not to show sheer mortification on my face???)

Finally our trek through the zoo is over, and we head back to the car. He had purchased lunch for us at the grocery store - mayo-based sandwiches and potato salad. But when we arrived it was early still, so he thought we should leave them in the car. Hours and nearly 100 degrees later (hotter in the car, mind you), we returned and Zoo Boy consumed our lunches. I decided I was no longer hungry (but really was famished) and watched him ingest the salmonella.

We start our drive back to Lehi, and without consulting me, he takes a detour. Apparently, he's decided we're going to go see a movie because he wants to cuddle in the dark. (Yikes!) I politely protest, saying I'm tired. He plays a pity card and says he wants to see a movie with me, because he only ever goes to the movies by himself (no, really??). I relent, warn that there will be no cuddling, and figure it's only 2 more hours of my life that I won't be able to get back.

My defense skills were in fine form throughout the show, and I was most successful. Afterwards, we finally head back to my car, and of course he tries to get a kiss. (You know, we didn't have that much chemistry.) I decline, I hope, without embarrassing him too much. We say our goodbyes, and I'm beyond relieved to be on my way... with only a really good story to tell. If anything else horrific happened on this date, I'm sure I've probably blocked it from memory!

About a month later I get a phone call from him... as if no time has passed at all. I'm sure I don't need to mention the fact, that I had previously told him I wasn't interested, shortly after the disastrous date.

Zoo Boy had been on duty with the National Guard, daydreaming of me and wondering when we'd be able to see each other again (yes, he actually said that), and received orders to go see his commanding officer regarding an issue at home. Apparently while he'd been away, his long-time female roommate (never knew about her) had been murdered by her abusive boyfriend in Zoo Boy's apartment, and the local police department wanted to ask him a few questions.

Naturally, I'm stunned... ask him if he's okay, how tragic, etc. He's fine, but has to complain about how the police took care of the crime scene - didn't clean up the blood, how it stained the carpet and mattress. (???) Then he starts bragging about all the attention he's receiving from people in his apartment complex and how great it was being such a star.

At this point, I was beyond disturbed, and asked Zoo Boy again if he was okay. Sure, he's fine, and I really don't need to worry so much about him. Alrighty then. I hurried to get off the phone... and never responded to his efforts to reach me. (And he tried, over and over again.)

So there you have it... all 3 of them... ALL WINNERS!
I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I??
(That is, they were always able to pick me.)